Reframing Our Stories
By: Sara Payne
Magnify Missions Workshop Coordinator/Facilitator
Email: sara@magnifymissions.com
I recently participated in a community event called The Book Bond. A local shop owner put the idea out for women to bring a book (already wrapped) that was significant, memorable, or meaningful to them and drop it off for another person to choose to read. I felt a bit of risk and excitement in participating in the event. I was anxious about picking the right book and spent way too much time trying to find the perfect wrapping paper. When it was all said and done though, I was very excited about my choice and my presentation. I finally dropped off my book and picked someone else’s to read. Several weeks later all of the ladies, who had participated by reading a book, joined together for a potluck and book reveal party at an apartment above the shop. Everyone was asked to bring their favorite snack or dessert, so I made bacon wrapped dates, which were a big hit. Again I was a bit nervous and excited. I knew a few ladies who would be attending, but for the most part everyone was a stranger. The setting was lovely, there was lots of yummy food, and I placed myself safely between the only two ladies I knew. We finally began the night with the first lady sharing about her book, which just so happened to be my book. I had anticipation of hearing how she liked it, and what she enjoyed about it. It was obvious though from her first few sentences that she had not enjoyed it, found it hard to read, and she finally ended her critique with, “I’m anxious to hear why the person who picked this out found it so meaningful and life-changing.” It was for me, what author, Brene Brown calls a “face down in the arena moment.” My heart dropped, and all of my high hopes and expectations were crushed. I had taken such pains to invest in this event and had looked forward to truly “bonding” with my person over my chosen book. Yet here I was inwardly crushed and even feeling embarrassed by my choice. Thoughts rushed into my mind, “You clearly failed. Your choice was terrible. You are a shallow person.” I was able to recover and explained that while the book hadn’t been life-changing, it had been meaningful. I was able to confidently provide some valid reasons for why I really liked the book, and then share about my own positive reading experience, but for the rest of the evening I found myself slowly withdrawing. The following day I was still reeling from the experience. It had made me question myself on a huge level - why did I even like that book, could I even name what books had been meaningful in my life, why had I failed, was I a shallow person? After processing the experience with a few people, and then having some distance from the event, I slowly came out of my funk. Still, the entire event had me really wondering “why” I had been so jolted.
Face Down Moments
I've come to the conclusion that I like to be liked. I am in general a kind, positive, friendly, and amiable person. I find ways to connect with people everywhere I go. I am not an argumentative or irate person. I can generally work my way through conflicts calmly, and as soon as I realize it, I am willing to admit when I’m wrong. My experience with the book bond, or in my case the book non-bond, was a face down moment for me because what I had imagined the experience would be like was the exact opposite. At that moment it felt like since my book wasn’t liked, I wasn’t liked. I hadn’t been prepared for that outcome, and it was a bit of a shock. I was in the middle of reading Brené Brown’s Rising Strong when I attended this event, and I was grateful in the days that followed to have some language and understanding for “why” I had been so devastated by the experience. Brown speaks to this idea of how showing up in the arena makes us vulnerable. She writes, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” It had been a risk and required some vulnerability for me to participate in the event, choose a book, and show up to a house full of strangers. I couldn’t control the outcome, and in this case my vulnerability had been met with rejection. It’s been a long time since I had a truly face-down moment like this one. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve gotten wiser over time or if I have gotten less brave. I’d like to believe it’s the first of the two. I am grateful for the process the experience took me through though. The crux of Brené Brown’s book is what she calls, The Rising Strong Process, which begins with what she defines as “The Reckoning: Walking Into Our Story.” I had my reckoning as I walked away from that evening. I was an emotional mess and reeling from it all. I didn’t stop there though, I gave myself time and permission to process and as Brown writes,“get curious about our [my] feelings”. In the days that followed, I had some trusted individuals I could share with. It was helpful to say out loud why I was struggling and to realize some of the truths and lies that were coming to light. It gave me a chance to find a firm footing back in my identity in Christ. “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm, and secure” (Hebrews 6:19). I didn’t need to feel ashamed or that I was shallow. I just needed a reminder to put my hope in Christ and not in people’s approval of me.
Reflection:
Have you had any recent face down moments (personally or professionally)?
What emotions did you experience in that moment?
Why do you think you were feeling that way?
What are some thoughts/ideas you had about yourself in relation to that moment?
Are there any lies that came to mind in that experience?
What are the truths that you can replace those lies with?
Who are some safe people you can process the experience with?
The Story I’m Making Up
We had just come out of a two day mini trip to Chicago to celebrate my husband, Ryan’s birthday. My mom had been watching our little girl, and we had just arrived back home after picking her up. My husband asked me to get Isabella started on her nighttime routine while he unpacked the car. I agreed to the proposal, thinking he would finish up putting her to bed after I had bathed her. I was definitely tired after a fun, but long day of travel, which involved a flat tire on the way home. Ryan had been out the four days prior to our trip, and I had given him the day off for his birthday the day before, which meant I had been on solo Izzy duty for five days in a row prior to our trip. I had just finished giving our daughter a bath and was ready to hand her off, when Ryan started to tell her goodnight. In my mind I was confused, I had thought he had asked me to “start” not do it all. I questioned the response and Ryan started to take over, but in the moment I snapped and said, “No, it’s fine, I’ll just do it, I’ve already done half of it anyway.” Now, to be clear, I love our daughter dearly. I love being a stay-at-home mom, and I cherish the moments with her, but I am human - I get exhausted, and I need a break from the routine once in a while. The nature of my husband’s job means he’s out a third of every month, which means I am single parenting a third of every month. God bless and give the single parents grace upon grace, because it is hard. I put our daughter down, and went and sat on the bed. I knew I was wrong and that I shouldn’t have snapped, but I was realizing a narrative was forming in my mind. I asked my husband if we could talk. I had heard Brené Brown use this phrase, “The story I’m making up in my mind is…” in Rising Strong, and I decided to try it out. I said, “The story I’m making up in my mind is that you don’t realize how much I am in charge of all of the morning and evening routines for our daughter. I think you are avoiding doing it because I already do it so much and it’s easier to keep letting me do it.” I let out a big breath. Yikes! That was hard to say, and I know it was hard for him to hear. But you know what, it worked. It gave me a chance to be honest about what I was thinking and to express my struggle. Brene Brown calls this part of the Rising Strong Process “The Rumble: Owning Our Story.” She defines it as the place where we, “get honest about the stories we’re making up about our struggle, then challenge those confabulations and assumptions to determine what’s truth, what’s self-protection, and what needs to change if we want to lead more wholehearted lives.” I was facing my “rumble” by being honest about how I was feeling and what I was thinking at the moment. Again it was hard and vulnerable, but it was real in that moment. I am so grateful that my husband creates a safe space for me to land because he was gracious enough to receive that. It was another “opportunity for growth”, which is what we like to call our conflicts. We both apologized and we figured out some ways we could both do a better job of helping each other and communicating.
Reflection:
What’s a recent “rumble” (conflict) that you have had to face (personally or professionally)?
Did you deal with it or ignore it? Why or why not?
As you process that conflict try journaling/typing a response to this prompt, “The story I’m making up is…” (Think about your initial response to this conflict and what you were thinking as it played out.)
If you feel comfortable and are willing to be vulnerable, you could try using this same phrase in working towards resolving a conflict with a spouse/friend/co-worker….
How could you use this approach in helping your kids work through their own conflicts/challenges?
Everyone is Doing The Best They Can
I recently visited a friend who had just moved to a new home. They had been looking for a bigger space to house their growing family, and this home definitely fit the bill. Before moving, their home had felt very full, too full for someone like myself. I could only spend a few hours there at a time. There were toys everywhere and so much stuff you had trouble really moving around in some of the rooms. They had moved over the summer and every room still had boxes that needed to be emptied. A few of the rooms were completely unusable with boxes and items stacked and strewn across the floor. The play room had toys upon toys, so much again that you could not really step in the room without stepping on a toy. They now had a basement and there were more toys. Before we left, my friend said that the next time we came there would be even more toys in the basement. My daughter was trying to play, but at one point she just got overwhelmed and said she wanted to leave. I decided to move us outside. It was peaceful out there and there was a lot less distraction or toys to sift from. Here we were visiting a home that was much bigger than before, but all of the same problems were present. I love this friend dearly, and she is one of the sweetest, most giving people I know. Every time I see her though, she is just so tired and stressed out. There is a lack of peace and stillness in her life. I left her home feeling truly sorry for her, because I know she wants rest and happiness, but she can’t seem to find it. As I drove away I thought, “What if my friend is really doing the best that she can?” This idea had come to me from what I had recently read in Brené Brown’s Rising Strong. She told a really pivotal story in her own journey where she had to wrestle with the idea that everyone is doing the best they can. The story really stuck out to me and challenged me in a good way. One of my major areas that needs continual refinement is having a judgemental attitude. As an Enneagram 1 I constantly want things to be “right” and “perfect”. It’s an unfortunate burden to bear this side of heaven - I am my own worst critic, but I unfortunately also critique others. I started to think about that concept of viewing people as doing the best they can and began to use it as a filter as I encountered people and situations that bothered me or that I disagreed with. As I was viewing people with this lens, I noticed a change in heart. I started to have more empathy and compassion for them and also for myself. I know the responsibilities I carry, the work I have to do, the overwhelm I can feel on a normal day. Maybe other people are feeling that too. It says in Matthew 9:36, when Jesus encountered the crowds, “he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd”. Jesus saw them for who they were a people that were doing the best they could but that truly needed a Savior. Instead of moving towards judging people, I needed to move toward praying for people and seeing them as Christ sees them.
Reflection:
In what areas do you find yourself judging others?
Do you think people are doing the best they can? Why or why not?
In what areas do you find yourself judging yourself?
What’s an area where you’re doing the best you can, but continue to feel failure?
What is an area where you need to have more empathy and compassion for yourself? For others?
Reframing Our Story
I took a kickboxing class in college, and then later on in life had a chance to take a similar class as an adult. There’s a scrappy, feisty side of me that loved the intensity and how strong I felt doing those moves on imaginary enemies. I’ve never been in a physical fight in my life (thank goodness) but there’s a part of me that likes feeling strong and equipped just in case I need to defend myself or a loved one. I think I would have made a terrible soldier in the military, but I’d like to be an excellent one in God’s army. The battle is real and it’s raging on, but we know who wins. That’s why when the enemy attacks, we have to respond with a different story. We can’t let him keep us down on our faces. We can’t let him control the narrative about ourselves or others. The last part of Brené Brown’s Rising Strong Process is what she calls “The Revolution”. She defines it as when we, “write a new ending to our story based on key learnings from our rumble and use this new, braver story to change how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead.” My book bond experience could have left me sitting, or rather wallowing, in my insecurities and fears, but I have a much better story to write. I could hide away my heart and never try anything new, but is that really living? We are called to rise up and not give way to a spirit of fear or timidity (2 Timothy 1:7). Not every risk or attempt is rewarded with a positive outcome, but in God’s kingdom it isn't wasted. My win from the book bond wasn’t what I had expected, but what resulted was some important reflecting and character formation for me. My second win was bacon-wrapped dates. People loved those little morsels. We win some, and we lose some. However, Jesus always wins, and He gets the final word of the story. Jesus overcame death and rose up from the grave. He is the expert on rising strong and on writing the very best stories! I am so thankful we can follow His example.
Download our free resource, Reframing Our Stories, to help you begin your own process of rising up from challenges and conflicts.
Sara Payne is first and foremost a beloved child of God. She likes to surround herself with people who love Jesus, be out in nature, work out, bake, and drink delicious cups of coffee. She is married to Ryan, an amazing man who loves Jesus, and also is (in her opinion) a rock star with a band called Attaboy. They have one beautiful little girl named Isabella, who is a joy and delight! Sara’s first job after college was overseas in Budapest, Hungary, where she worked and served as a missionary with Cru. She then transitioned into being a full time English teacher in a PBL (Project Based Learning) school on the south side of Indianapolis, IN. There her mission field was high school students. After getting married, she worked for Magnify Learning as a Branding Manager and PBL facilitator. Since becoming a mama, she now works for Magnify Missions where she is able to combine her love of missions and teaching to serve missionaries and Christian entrepreneurs from around the world.
